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New Liverpool joke


Guest Jerichoholic

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Guest Jerichoholic

Liverpool have signed a new centre forward from Kabul United FC. Apparently on his first day at training, Houllier picked up a ball and said: "Ball."

 

Then he pointed at the goal and said: "Goal." Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said: "Kick. Understand? Kick, ball, goal. GOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!"

 

The Afghan striker was a little puzzled by this and summoned up the courage to say "Excuse me, Mr. Houllier, but I speak very good English." To which Houllier replies:

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"Sit down, son. I'm talking to Heskey & Owen!"

:lol :lol :lol

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I heard a similar joke the other day.

 

Houllier is fed up of his lackluster strikeforce, and decides to go into the transfer market. He snaps up a young Afghan striker, and gives him his debut right away. The lad is a huge success, scoring 2 in his first game. After the match, he was interviewed-

 

"I'm so happy to come to a great country, play for a great team with great fans. Life is great!"

 

That night, he phones his mother to break the good news.

 

"Guess what, I scored 2 today! The fans love me!"

 

His mother replied, crying

 

"Today your father was shot, your sister kidnapped and your brother arrested".

 

Boy- "I'm so sorry"

 

Mother- "Of course you should be sorry, it was your idea to move us to Liverpool in the first place!". :)

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Guest Peter K

Lemme me.............

 

*Cue Vince McMahon maniac laughter*............

Good one!!!!!!!!!!

*End Vince McMahon maniac laugher*..............

 

Ahem....rather a good one.

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Those are very good, and heres another.

 

A young Manchester United fan is on his first day at school, unfortunately all the other kids and the teacher are all bitter City fans.

 

When the teacher asks him what team he supports he says "United Miss".

 

So the teacher says "but everyone else here supports City, why do you support United?"

 

So the boy replies, "because my Mums a United fan and my Dads a United fan so I am too".

 

The teacher then asks, "So if your Mum was a drug dealer and your dad was a car thief, then what would you be?"

 

"A Liverpool Fan" replies the boy.

 

 

Here's another one.

 

Jerzy Dudek!

 

BOOM BOOM!

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Guest Pabster

Here's some Man Utd jokes :

 

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?

A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

 

AND

 

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?

A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

 

Woooooooo! :D

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Another United one....

 

There's a Jew, a Hindu and a Man United fan trying to book into a hotel. However, there's a problem. "There's only one room with two beds left" says the innkeeper, "but there is a stable where one of you could sleep..."

 

The Jew volunteers to sleep in the stable, and the Man Utd. fan and the Hindu go up to the room, and head off to bed. However, as they try to get to sleep, there's a knock at the door: It's the Jew. "I'm sorry, I can't sleep in the stable, there's a pig in there, and my religion is strongly against pigs". So the Hindu then volunteers to sleep in the stable.

 

As the Jew and the Man Utd fan try to sleep, there's another knock at the door, and it's the Hindu. "I'm sorry, there's a cow in the stable, and I can't sleep near it as my religion states it's a sacred animal"

 

So the Man Utd fan grudgingly gets out of his bed, picks up his 6-pack and porn mag, and heads outside to the stable. A few minutes later, there's another knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig :D

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Even though I'm a Man Utd fan, heres a good Utd joke:

 

 

Alex Ferguson was at Miss World this year, checking out the lovely ladies on view. The mid-interval comes along and Alex goes for a drink. Suddenly, Miss Sweden comes up to him.

 

"Oh, are you Alex Ferguson? I love your work. I think you are a credit to football. Would you give me an autograph?"

 

The beatiful lady pulls down her dress to reveal her breasts, holding her left breast in particular. Alex signs it and waves her off. Suddenly, Miss India walks up to him.

 

"Oh my God. Alex Ferguson. I love your football team. No greater manager I have ever seen. Can I have an autograph?"

 

The lady peels her dress down to reveal her right breast. Alex signs it and smiles as she leaves. He is about to get stuck into a drink when suddenly, Miss Argentina walks up to him.

 

"Well if it isn't Alex Ferguson. Nice to meet you. Love your football team. Can I have your autograph?"

 

The lady then proceeds to pull her skirt and split her legs, revealing no pants. Alex puts his pen down and shakes his head.

 

"No way. Last time I signed an argentinian Twat, it cost me £30 million!"

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And just for Golduster:

 

 

 

- There’s these two blokes go out fishing every week. Every Saturday, they just get in a little rowing boat and row out to the middle of a huge lake where they spend the day just idly fishing in almost total silence. They don’t even speak to each other much. One day, late in the afternoon, one guy turns to the other and remarks conversationally “I see Man City lost again.”

The other guy looks around in puzzlement wondering where he got his information from. “We’re out in the middle of a lake with nobody else around for miles, you haven’t got a radio or a mobile phone, so how do you know for sure City lost?” he asks.

The first bloke shrugs and says; “Easy. It’s quarter to five isn’t it?”

 

 

- An old Red is lying on his death bed and calls his son over to him.

“Son, here take my United season ticket”

“Thanks Dad, I’ll make sure I keep it on forever....”

“And son, go out and get me one for Maine Road instead”

The young lad is horrified. “But dad, you’ve been a United fan all your life. Why are you changing now?”

“Well” says the old man, “I’d rather one of those blue bastards went than one of us!”

 

 

- Q. Why do city fans put team stickers on their cars?

A. So they can park in the handicapped spots

 

 

- The seven dwarfs are working down the mine when there is a huge explosion and the roof caves in. Snow White runs to the mine entrance frantic with worry. Through a tiny hole in the rubble she shouts: "Manchester City will never win the Premiership".

To which a distant voice replies: "Oh yes they will"

"Thank God," says Snow White "at least Dopey's alive!"

 

 

- Late last night thieves broke into Maine Road and stole the entire contents of Manchester City's trophy room. Police are looking for two men carrying a light blue carpet.

 

- Name the best two football teams who come from Manchester?

Manchester United and Manchester United reserves!

 

 

- A man is on his first visit to Maine Road and has to stop to ask a local for directions:

Man: Can you tell me how to get to Maine Road please?

Bitter: Yeah, go round that corner, turn right and you'll see two queues.

Man: Right.

Bitter: Now, whatever you do don't join the long queue.

Man: Why not?

Bitter: Because that's the queue for the chippy next door.

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Guest PeteR Richards
When you gonna realise it's a crazy piss-taking and ass-slapping cycle, Goldy? :) The more he teases you the more you slap his sorry little ass and he's like "woohooo" everytime.
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