Hey,

 

Anyone around these parts got some decent jokes to share? Don't post the coughing joke as it's old as Pat Butcher's face. :)

 

I'm waiting...

 

:xyx

 

Cheers.

could people also not post Fat, your mama, or Dumb jokes...they just make me cringe.

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the innkeeper three nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

 

 

A talent show is taking place one night, with different acts, some good, some crap. One of the final acts is a ventriloquist. He runs through his routine and uses some blonde jokes. This prompts a young blonde female in the front row to stant up. "Excuse me" she says. "But I am really getting sick of hearing these old, boring blonde jokes. We are not all dumb. Some of us are doctors, nurses, university students, and have very high IQs. We aren't bimbos, and we deserve respect." The ventriloquist looks at his dummy, then turns to the woman and says "Erm.. I'm sorry. Didn't mean any offense", to which the blonde replies "Stay out of this. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee".

 

 

A Man City fan turned up at a Manchester City vs Manchester United match last week and was told that seats were £16, £20 and £35, and programmes £2.

'OK,' he said cheerfully, 'I'll sit on a programme!'

 

 

Top tip for Manchester City fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.

 

 

Q. What do you get if you see a Manchester City fan buried up to his neck in sand?

A. More sand.

 

 

Snow White arrived home one evening to find her home destroyed by fire. She was especially worried because she'd left all seven dwarves asleep inside. As she scrambled among the wreckage, frantically calling their names, suddenly she heard the cry: "Man City for the Cup."

"Thank goodness," sobbed Snow White. "At least Dopey's still alive!"

 

 

 

 

More later :)

Hey Pabby i posted the best jokes in the sports forum ;) but i have a couple more:

 

What do you do if you come across a UTD fan having a drink of water?

Slam the toilet seat on his head!! :D

 

Whats the difference between Phil Neville and a roll of sellotape?

Ones a glueless kit! :D

 

I will have to try and think of some non football ones for once, i really like the coughin one, damn that, lol :)

A genie grants 3 wishes to an Englishman, an American, and a Frenchman.

 

The American wishes that his land will remain fertile to pass on for generations. The genie agrees.

 

The Frenchman ask the genie could a mile hile wall be wuild all around France to protect it against invaders. The genie agrees.

 

The Englishman says, could you fill France with water!

A young lady is brought back home by her new boyfriend. Hes feeling horny and pushes her against the wall, leaning his hand up against it. He kisses her passionately and then asks for a blow job.

 

"No, I can't. My parents are inside."

 

"Oh go on, just a quick one."

 

"I don't know. I've never given one before."

 

"It's easy, trust me. I'll repay the favor one day, I promise. C'mon baby."

 

Suddenly, the inside light comes on, and the front door opens, to reveal a young girl, no older than 7. She looks up at the girl and her boyfriend.

 

"Sis, Dad says he doesn't care if you give him the blow job or not, but for gods sake, get your hand off the ****in' intercom otherwise we'll never get to sleep."

A French lady sits down on a packed train and puts her poodle on the last seat. A guy asks if she can move the poodle so he can sit down. "No, ziz seat for my poodle!"

 

A second guy enters the train, and upon seeing the poodle, asks if he can sit down. Again the woman says "No, ziz seat for my poodle!".

 

An American enters the train, and asks can he sit down where the poodle is. Once again, the woman says "No, ziz seat for my poodle!". So the American opens the window, picks up the poodle, and throws it out of the train, and sits down"

 

An Englishman congratualtes the American, but has a concern. "You Americans always to things the wrong way. You drive down the wrong side of the road, you call cars automobiles, and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"

 

Another:

 

A woman goes onto the Antiques Roadshow, brings a tampon and asks "Can you tell me what period this is from?"

 

:lol

:lol

 

A friend of mine was having breathing difficulties so I said "you best go to the doctors it could be this SARS thing", so he agreed and went along.

 

So he goes along to the doctors and explains what the problem is so the doctor says "right, see that open window over there, go over to it and stick your tounge out", so matey goes to the window and sticks his tounge out then sits back down and says, "What does that tell you?" the doctor replies "nothing much, but I've always hated that bastard over the road".

 

---------------------------

 

One afternoon Paddy was in the local pub enjoying a quiet drink when a guy walks in with a trout, hands it to the landlord who then handed over £5. 15 minutes later and the guy returns with another trout and again the landlord gives him £5. Another 15 minutes pass and the same thing happened again, so Paddy asks "Hey, what the **** is going on in here, every time this eejit walks in with a fish and you give him £5" so the landlord says "well, he goes down to the bridge with his mate, dangles him over the edge, when a trout swims past he grabs it brings it here and I pay him a fiver for it, everyones a winner". So Paddy asks, "If I get my mate Murphy and we go own the bridge and catch a trout, will you pay us £5 aswell?", "Yeah OK" the landlord agrees.

 

So Paddy goes off to find Murphy and after Paddy explains they head off to the bridge, Paddy dangles Murphy over the bridge and they wait 15 minutes.

 

Paddy: You got anything yet?"

Murphy: "Not yet Paddy"

 

Another fifteen minutes pass.

 

Paddy: You got anything yet?"

Murphy: "Not yet Paddy"

 

Another fifteen minutes pass.

 

Murphy" QUICK PADDY PULL ME UP"

Paddy" Why you got something?"

Murphy" NO THERES A ****ING TRAIN COMING"!

 

------------------------------------

 

An English man, a Scotish man and an Irish man are working on a high rise building, every lunchtime they go up to the fith floor to eat there sandwiches.

 

One day the English man opened his sandwiches and said "Egg sandwiches, I've had egg sandwiches every day for the past 6 months, I'm so sick of them that if I get them tomorrow I'll jump off this building.

 

The Scottish man opened his sandwiches and said "Cheese sandwiches, I've had Cheese sandwiches every day for the past 6 months, I'm so sick of them that if I get them tomorrow I'll jump off this building with you.

 

The Irish man opened his sandwiches and said "Ham sandwiches, I've had Ham sandwiches every day for the past 6 months, I'm so sick of them that if I get them tomorrow I'll jump off this building with you two.

 

So the next day the English man opened his sandwiches and they were Egg, so he jumped off the building, the Scottish man opened his sandwiches and they were Cheese so he too jumped off, the Irish man opened his and they were Ham so he jumped off aswell.

 

At the last funeral the three widows were in a corner talking, the English mans wife said "I don't understand if only he'd told me he hated egg sandwiches I wouldn't have given him them", the Scottish mans wife said "Aye, same here e only had to say he hated Cheese sandwiches" to which the Irish mans wife replied "I don't understand either, he used to make his own sandwiches".

I wen to pick up my cat from the vet the other day and the vet said to me "Say 'Ahhhhh'"

 

"Why?" I asked.

 

"Because your cat's dead."

 

~~~

 

What's the difference between Vince McMahon and an Airfix Model?

 

Well, an airfix model's a glueless kit...

A particularly wealthy and important high flying executive leaves his stately mansion one morning to go to work. He wanders down his path towards his Jaguar and opens the door. As he does so however he hears a huge explosion behind him. As he turns around, skillfully avoiding the flying bits of debris, he realises his mansion has just exploded. Shocked, he turns back around, and there, standing at the end of his drive is a little green man. The short and rather rotund green guy is laughing hysterically. The furious executive quickly runs after him but the litttle green man is just too fast and gets away.

 

The man is forced to move into a four bedroom semi detached house in Sidcup. He gets up the next morning to go to work keen to put behind him the horrifying events of the past week. As he closes the door behind him his new house also explodes, sending him crashing onto the roof of his Jaguar. As he manages to pick himself up he hears that obnoxious laughing again. He turns round to see the same little green guy giggling at him. He gives chase once more. He manages to keep pace with the rotund little dude but still can't catch him.

 

Now, the city business man is pretty angry by this point. He's forced into a two bedroom flat in South London. He just wants to get his life back on track. However, when he leaves the block of flats the next morning he gets as far as his out of place Jaguar before hearing a monstrous explosion behind him. He turns around to see the black of flats crumbling before his eyes. As he turns back to his Jaguar he sees the same green man at the end of the road. He's had enough. He gives chase once more, this time getting within inches of the fat little green guy. He makes one final lunge, launching himself through the air, but the green man avoids his grasp by inches, and runs off into the distance.

 

Now, the once important city businessman has been reduced to a nervous wreck. He's living in a rather tasty mobile home on a caravan park in Wisbech. After a week or so he finally musters up the courage to venture outside of his cosy abode. He pokes his head round the corner of the door, seeing nobody there, he takes a step outside. Once more though, the poor unfortunate man is flung to the floor by the force of an explosion behind him. He rolls over to face the caravan and alas, it is no more. As he writhes on the floor in despair he hears that incessant laugh again. He quickly gets the motivation to pick himself up and gives chase once again. He is relentless in his pursuit of the green guy, chasing him through the toilet block, round the park shop, and into into the cow field behind it. He gets closer and closer, finally throwing himself forward into a rugby like tackle, hitting the green man and taking him to the floor. He grabs him by his porky green throat and pulls him up face to face with him. The man screams, "You little green f#ck, you've ruined my life, you burnt down all my houses". The little green man still chuckling smugly simply replies...................... "No".

A man comes running into the pub, and shouts "Theres a genie outside willing to grant 3 seperate men 3 wishes between them".

The first man runs out, and returns 5 minutes later with two sacks of money under his arm.

 

The next bloke, who is very ugly, leaves the pub and returns 5 mins later with 2 beautiful ladys on his arms.

 

The third bloke runs out, and returns with a little man, a foot tall, playing the piano. He asks the barman for a pint. Barman asks "What did you ask for then" and the man tells him to forget it.

 

As time goes on, people get nosier, and finally another bloke asks the man "What did you actually wish for".

 

The man replies "Well the genie is a little hard of hearing, do you think I would ask for a 12 inch Pianist?

What do you call a row of bunnies jumping backwards?

A receding Hare-line!

Ok i have just a few more Man Utd jokes!

 

Q: Father Christmas, the Tooth Fairy, a drunkard and a Man Utd fan From Manchester walking down the road. They all see a £50 note on the pavement. Which one picks it up?

A: The drunk of course, the other three are mythical creatures.

 

Q: How Many Man Utd Fans Does It take To Screw In a Light Bulb?

A: FOUR........One to screw the lightbulb, one to hold the chair, one to buy the commemerative shirt and the other to drive them all up from LONDON. :D

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Important Virus Information

 

The Man United Virus - This is where the computer develops a

memory disorder, and forgets about everything before 1993.

 

The Man United shirt Virus - This one is especially hard to

detect as it changes its format every 3 months.

 

The David Beckham Virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights come on but nothing works.

 

The Roy Keane virus - Kicks you out of Windows.

 

The Alex Ferguson Virus - The computer develops a continuous whining noise and the on-screen clock runs a lot faster or slower than all the other

computers in the building.

 

The Diego Forlan Virus - The computer is unable to get anything into the 'inbox'.

 

The Fabian Bartez Virus - You just can't save anything.

 

The Ryan Giggs Virus - The computer develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuation in performance.