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*Possible Adult Content* The Jokes Thread


TPIB

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It's simple enough. Post your jokes of any kind here; whether they be clean, dirty, funny, stupid, classic, whatever. This is The Jokes Thread. I will start it off with one that I heard off of the movie "Hot Shots!". It's not that funny to me, but it's a simple one:

 

What Do You Do with an Elephant with Three Balls?

Answer: You Walk Him And Pitch To The Rhino

 

Here's one I heard from someone (you may have to read it a couple of times to get it):

 

Two Southern Farmers are talking one day and one farmer says, "I bet you that you can't guess how many chickens I have on my farm." The second farmer says, "What do I get if I guess right?" The first farmer says, "Well, then I'll give you both of the chickens." The second farmer thinks for a minute and says, "six?"

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Guest Nemesis Enforcer

I get loads of jokes sent to me via text but I can't post them here because I would be infracted to hell for causing offence and racism!

 

So, it will have to go with a much more tame joke that I was recently sent, although not sure how funny it is...

 

A rabbit goes into a bar and asked for a cheese and bean toastie, its served to him and he eats it as fast as he can.

Next day it goes back and asks for a sausage and bean toastie and again he eats it all as quick as he can.

Next day the rabbit is back and asks for a bacon and cheese toastie and when he has finished it he drops down dead.

 

A day later the rabbits ghost appears at the bar, bartender looks at him and asks "So what did you die of?"

 

The rabbits ghost lookes at him and says "Mixingmetoasties"

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Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

 

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

 

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

 

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

 

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

 

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

 

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant... "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

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I got a new one:

 

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

 

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

 

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

 

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

 

"Keeps him from falling out of bed."

 

This is one of those "makes you wonder" type of deals:

 

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

 

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

 

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

 

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

 

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

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Guest Rebekah

A fairly succesful businessman is very pleased with himself after a succesful morning at work, so he decided to treat himself. So he goes to the joke shop, has a browse, and sees some glasses. So he asks the shopkeeper "Whats special about those?"

 

"If you put them on, everyone you see, appears naked"

 

So he tries them on, looks at the shopkeeper, hes naked. "Theyre brilliant, how much?"

 

"£1000"

 

So he buys them, puts them on outside, looks at the female traffic warden, shes naked. Looks at the window cleaner, hes naked. Anyway, theres time left before he has to go back to work, so he decides to go home and suprise the wife. He steps into his house. Goes into the living room, shes lying there, naked with the man next door. He takes the glasses off, theyre still naked.

 

"Unbelievable" Just as the wife is about to explain, he looks at the glasses and goes "I bought these half an hour ago, they dont bloody work now!"

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Guest Al Stevens

Warning this is an adult joke my cricket captain told me

 

Two west indian cricketers have just finished a big game for there team and head to have a shower. While in the shower the one looks at his team mate and said "f**king hell man you have a big d**k" his mate looks at him with a big grin on his face and says "Yah man i love to shove it into beans"

 

His mate looks at him confused, "What sort man, Heinz?"

 

Then his mate says "No man, Human"

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Guest The Beltster

Guy was sat in a bar when a thug come up and punches him in the mouth, he says "That was Kung Fu from China!" Then the thug kicks him and tells him "That was Karate from Japan!"

 

Guy walks out of the bar, comes back 20 mins later and hits the thug off his stool, knocking him out. Guy says to the barman "When that c*nt wakes up, tell him that was a shovel from B&Q!"

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I got this one off of Comedy Central Presents.....Zack Galifianakis (I actually spelled it right without looking):

 

You know you're an alcoholic when you go to a bar and the bartender knows your name and you've never been to that bar.

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