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Man-Movie Encyclopedia Entry: Hard To Kill


Guest CaliberWinfield

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Guest CaliberWinfield

Hola, kids. Your old pal' Caliber, from The Cheap Seats here. Movie review site deluxe. Our most important job isn't just reviewing movies however, it's the full on detailing of crucial man-movies that make up the fabric of our life. This week, we'll be covering....

 

Steven Seagal is:

 

 

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/f/f2/Hard_To_Kill.jpg/200px-Hard_To_Kill.jpg

 

 

Movie: Hard To Kill

Star: Steven Seagal

Year: 1990

Director: Bruce Malmuth

 

Ah, Seagal. Where would we be without our favorite pony-tailed, akido-skilled, wooden-actor? In sissy-movie hell, that's where. He's brought it to the man-table more than once, always bringing the same dish, and always threatening to break our neck if we don't eat it. And eat it we do. And love it we do, too.

 

Here we have one of Seagal's finer pieces, it's first set in 1983. Seagal plays Mason Storm, a rouge cop who 'plays by his own rules', which is a theme that one or two of Seagal's characters had. He starts out on the docks, surveying some bad dudes. Man, remember the docks? ALL the bad guys use to hang there, but no more. What better setting than a seedy dock? With ships that carry drugs, guns, and hookers. And plenty of water to throw the body of the right-hand-man who's ****ed up once too many times. But anyways. Mason is doing his thing, and catches some politician up to no good with some no-good-knicks. Well, he splits, and all of a sudden they hear him. So after they go, however, they don't catch.

 

As always, he can't trust anyone, because he's a rouge cop. Well, the bad-guys find out anyways, and come to finish Mason good. Well, wouldn't you know it, Mason just got done getting busy with his women, so he's in his refractory period. Otherwise, he could have heard these bad guys coming 10 years ago. So that's why he was unaware, until that is, as always....it's too quiet. That's how you KNOW some shit is going down, when ...it's too quiet. TADOW! They bust open the door and lay down some hot lead, killing his wife, and they assume, Mason. His kid, who looks exactly like Ben Savage, jumps out of a 10 story window like Spider-Man and lives. *shrugs* He's Seagal's kid alright. Anyways, thankfully before all this, Mason hid his video-camera in the wall of his kitchen, because, remember, a rouge cop trusts no one, so the evidence is safe.

 

Flash forward 7 years later.

 

Mason is laid up in an LA hospital, he's got a rad beard, and a nurse [Andy] who's got the hots for him [Kelly LeBrock. Who, Seagal married]. He gets instant man points because the nurse wants him to snap out of it simply because he has a large penis. No truth to the fact that Seagal insisted they put that in. Mason comes out of the coma, because he's sick of not killing people, and knows that soon they'll be coming for him, which they do. So, Andy helps him out of there, and they crash at her pad. He quickly gets back into ass-kicking mode, because atrophy is for sissys.

 

So, as it were, the crooked politician is now a Senator. This doesn't sit well with Storm, as most things don't. So, he hooks up with an old friend who had been taking care of his Spider-Man kid, and they get some revenge. It's sweet carnage, and Storm is never touched. It's as it should be, kids.

 

This movie comes with the highest recommendation. As it ranks high in the Man-Movie Encyclopedia, hitting almost EVERY criteria, which has yet to be done. It's mind-less good times. It's Seagal, baby.

 

Official Man-Movie Encyclopedia Count:

1-Liners: 4

Beat-Up: 18

Killed: 18

Swear: 21

Boobs: 2

Explode: 1

Slo-Motion:

Car-Chase: 1

Foot-Chase: 2

Broken Bones: 6

Fight at Motel?: Yes

Guy Get Girl?: Yes

Guy Smoke?:

 

1-Liners:

[storm watching TV. Senator on TV]

Senator: You can take that to the bank!

Storm: I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator. The blood bank!

 

[storm fires a shot between the Senator's legs]

Storm: I missed! I never miss! They must have been smaller than I thought!

 

[storm kills a crooked cop]

Storm: Now you're a good cop

 

And perhaps the greatest one-liner of all time. Storm is just about to kill a dude

Storm: This is for my wife. **** you and die!

 

 

 

Diggin' it. For more of the sheer apex of manliness, due be checking out myspace.com/thecheapseat

 

Keep it gangster.

Edited by CaliberWinfield
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Guest CaliberWinfield
Yeeeah....once I finished writing it, I was just about to leave for work, and realized that some how I dropped the A outta Seagal's name 100 times. But thanks for the constructive criticism, you're always so on spot with that, DC. No, wait, you must be on your way to work because you managed to drop the constructive part right out....huh, must always be on your way to work. Edited by CaliberWinfield
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Guest CaliberWinfield

Remake? Psh-tosh. Not unless the remake had Seagal. Besides, practically every 80's, early 90's action movie had a plot like this, so they're all remakes.

 

I just posted this here because I'm a writer, and one of the things I write involves movies. This is a spot for movies, so I figured why not.

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Yeeeah....once I finished writing it, I was just about to leave for work, and realized that some how I dropped the A outta Seagal's name 100 times.
That makes no sense. If you know how to spell it, you wouldn't miss the "A" out every time. If you want to be a writer, you need to learn not to submit something until it has been checked, checked and checked again.

 

Now, if you want constructive criticism, constructive criticism you shall have.

 

First, we have the positives...

 

  • The layout is nice
  • Kelly LeBrock still looks hot in the poster (although that actually has little to do with you)
  • The initial idea is a good one
  • The attempt at humour is admirable
  • The facts and quotes are a nice touch

 

And now, we have the negatives...

 

  • The spelling and grammar are terrible
  • Getting Seagal's name wrong is, in the context of the piece, unforgivable
  • Some of the titles in the "Man-Count" list are vague
  • No real introduction of who you are, why you are doing this or what "The Cheap Seat" actually is. You say it is a movie review site (deluxe), but, in reality, it is simply a MySpace page (and a very, very basic one at that).

 

You're punctuation is all over the place (commas where there shouldn't be, commas missing where they should be, etc) and, if you wish to be taken seriously as a writer, you need to work really hard on your basic sentence structure.

 

I love the idea, but the execution is piss-poor. Take the list of criteria...

 

1-Liners: 4

Beat-Up: 18

Killed: 18

Swear: 21

Boobs: 2

Explode: 1

Slo-Motion:

Car-Chase: 1

Foot-Chase: 2

Broken Bones: 6

Fight at Motel?: Yes

Guy Get Girl?: Yes

Guy Smoke?:

 

With "Boobs", is it two boobs or two topless scenes? With "Explode", do you mean explosions in the movie or how many things explode? What qualifies a curse to make it into the "Swear" category? What exactly is "Guy Smoke" (I assume it means "did the guy smoke?", but it could mean anything out of context?

 

If you are serious about being a writer, you need to take on board when someone has something negative to say about your work and make it your priority to overcome it.

 

You cannot sulk and continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. A professional editor would have taken one look at that article (if he/she even read it to the end) and discarded it.

I just posted this here because I'm a writer, and one of the things I write involves movies. This is a spot for movies, so I figured why not.
You're quite right to post it here; it's more that you mention your name and where you are from (The Cheap Seats) in a manner that makes us think we should know who you are and what The Cheap Seats is.

 

Because we don't, it comes across as random rather than new.

 

Having checked out the MySpace address you listed, you cannot even pretend that The Cheap Seats is a "movie review site deluxe". It is a default MySpace profile with only three friends, so a good start would be to stop putting yourself on a level you haven't reached yet.

 

My first few attempts at writing were atrocious, but, by dedicating myself, I believe I have reached a level where my writing is credible, reliable and praised by my peers.

 

You can take this advice/criticism any way you wish, but it is done with the best intentions and to point out to you where, in my opinion, you need to improve (if this article is anything to go by).

 

EDIT - Having read the other blogs you have on page, I have to be honest and say they aren't very good either.

 

This...

Gone is the sand, and decelent deseret settings that dominated the first two.
... is a good example of what I mean. I know the second word is meant to be desert, but what is the first word meant to say?

 

If you'd re-read your own work, you would spot these mistakes and rectify them before posting/submitting them.

Edited by DC
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Guest CaliberWinfield

See, now that's what I'm talking about, baby.

 

I guess I should state that humor doesn't translate that well through text.

 

Movie review site deluxe. Why do you think I called it that? Because, it's a page with 4 reviews on it. What the hell is a movie review site deluxe anyway? And why on EARTH would anyone call their site that?

 

My spelling is just fine. I usually make it out alive with out many spelling errors, those I have, I catch in spell-check, so I'm not too sure of what you mean. Sure, my grammar isn't spot on, but I'm clear and concessive. I put commas in odd places I'm sure, but it's because it reflects how I speak. Sure, that may not be proper, but not doing everything by the book is OK. Besides, it's articles on manly movies, dudeser. Why would I right like Chruchill when I'm covering a Van Damme movie where he does the splits 5 different times? Or anything else I write for that matter.

 

The criteria is pretty self-explanatory. Boobs. How many boobs make it onto film. Explode. If there's an explosion, then it counts. Guy Smoke? It's a question, does the guy smoke? If you were a fan of the cheesy action genre, then you'd get it.

 

Yeah, I burst into a post and just talk as if people know who I am, I've done it for years and will always continue to do it that way. It's my style, and I dig it. Oh yeah.

 

But I very much appreciate the words and the time you took to look it over, if only other people were so gracious. [that isn't sarcasm]

 

To be honest, this isn't my first foray into writing. I've been at it for about 3 or so years, and while yes this is my first venture into movies, I've been doing editorials and the such for years. I've developed quite a following, and much like yourself, am praised by my peers. Just takes a minute to win over some folk....

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See, now that's what I'm talking about, baby.

 

I guess I should state that humor doesn't translate that well through text.

 

Movie review site deluxe. Why do you think I called it that? Because, it's a page with 4 reviews on it. What the hell is a movie review site deluxe anyway? And why on EARTH would anyone call their site that?

 

My spelling is just fine. I usually make it out alive with out many spelling errors, those I have, I catch in spell-check, so I'm not too sure of what you mean. Sure, my grammar isn't spot on, but I'm clear and concessive. I put commas in odd places I'm sure, but it's because it reflects how I speak. Sure, that may not be proper, but not doing everything by the book is OK. Besides, it's articles on manly movies, dudeser. Why would I right like Chruchill when I'm covering a Van Damme movie where he does the splits 5 different times? Or anything else I write for that matter.

 

The criteria is pretty self-explanatory. Boobs. How many boobs make it onto film. Explode. If there's an explosion, then it counts. Guy Smoke? It's a question, does the guy smoke? If you were a fan of the cheesy action genre, then you'd get it.

 

Yeah, I burst into a post and just talk as if people know who I am, I've done it for years and will always continue to do it that way. It's my style, and I dig it. Oh yeah.

 

But I very much appreciate the words and the time you took to look it over, if only other people were so gracious. [that isn't sarcasm]

 

To be honest, this isn't my first foray into writing. I've been at it for about 3 or so years, and while yes this is my first venture into movies, I've been doing editorials and the such for years. I've developed quite a following, and much like yourself, am praised by my peers. Just takes a minute to win over some folk....

Spell-checks aren't infallible (for example, some words are spelt correctly, but they are the wrong words).

 

I am a huge fan of cheesy action movies from the 80s (I practically grew up on them), but simply saying "Guy Smoke" means nothing. It could mean "does the main character smoke" or "does any male character smoke". It could also mean is there a scene where a male character is set on fire and his charred body is left smoking for all to see.

 

As for you developing "quite a following", where do they follow your work? Your MySpace page has nothing on it older than a month, so have you posted work elsewhere in the three years that you mentioned? If so, could you link us to it?

 

Oh, and you have Seagal's name wrong on your MySpace profile as well, so your excuse about having to rush doesn't hold any credibility either. ;)

Edited by DC
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My spelling is just fine. I usually make it out alive with out many spelling errors, those I have, I catch in spell-check, so I'm not too sure of what you mean.

 

You may want to read my earlier post. ;)

 

Rouge = blusher

Rogue is the word you want.

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Guest CaliberWinfield

Ooh, Darkstar, I thought you were talking about someone else on the forum, heh, it was worded sorta weird.

 

Oh, and DC, no, it's a viable excuse. Because I wrote it there, and pasted it here.

 

Yeah, I just started that. All my old stuff is up at myspace.com/scrublife . I use to run scrublife.com as well and got a lot of great feedback. Not so much for my english writing skills, but for my views and what some viewed as intelligent thought. So, try to look at it from that context, not using that as an excuse, just a viewing filter. Oh, and skip the movie stuff on there, it's fluff.

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Well at least this has given DC something to think about. And Nimfy your right I thought he has died too.

 

Oh and Kelly LeBrock is huge these days.

Edited by Fiona
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Oh, and DC, no, it's a viable excuse. Because I wrote it there, and pasted it here.
It's not a viable excuse because the name is wrong on the main page, which has nothing to do with the blog you copy-and-pasted.

 

At least own up to having made a mistake; we all do them.

Well at least this has given DC something to think about.
????

 

What has it given me to think about?

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Guest Nemesis Enforcer

Its like on Time Gentlemen Please, you can only have one giant per pub and you can have only one movie critic per web forum put more then one together ad they will fight to the death :lol

 

Being serious though, I feel out of love with Segal soon after he arried to be honest, always much prefered JCVD and to a lesser extent Chuck Norris for action type movies

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Guest CaliberWinfield

Yeah, I've always been much more in love with the Muscles From Bruscles.

 

Oh, and I'm not trying to run away from the blame on f'ning up Seagal's name, but I truly wouldn't have posted it to the public without going over it thoroughly if I wasn't going to work. Sure, I should have waited, but I love getting the hot shit to the people....

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Yeah, I've always been much more in love with the Muscles From Bruscles.
:lol

 

Yeah, your spelling is "fine".

Oh, and I'm not trying to run away from the blame on f'ning up Seagal's name, but I truly wouldn't have posted it to the public without going over it thoroughly if I wasn't going to work.
But you posted it on here (which is a lot more "public" than a MySpace page with three friends on it) with no such time restrictions.

 

We could go over this all day. You made a mistake but don't want to admit it. How can you blame a time restriction for something you didn't do correctly once. That's not a typo, that's just lazy research.

Sure, I should have waited, but I love getting the hot shit to the people....
So you'd rather post/submit shoddy work than go over it and proof-read it?
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