Jump to content

TV shows like The Bachelor have been around for awhile, several women living in a house, all of them dating the same man. An acquaintance and I (me and an acquaintance?) were talking about the dynamic behind this type of show and I told her that I could totally live in that type of surrounding... one man in a house with many women until he picks the one he wants. She seemed totally taken aback by that and wondered how I would be okay with such a thing. Me, I don't see the problem with it. I mean, I can see where some people might find the whole thing unimaginable, but it wouldn't bother me too much.

 

Have you ever been in a situation where you were dating someone and knew that that someone was dating someone else, not being shady about it in any way, just not ready to settle down so they are dating different people? Could you star on a show like The Bachelor?

Featured Replies

Yes.

 

I'm polyamorous and also ok with open relationships in general. There's a lot of reasons why people are into this lifestyle, but I can only speak to my own.

 

I think it makes sense that we're all capable of holding multiple romantic relationships. We can love our parents, siblings, children, extended family, pets, friends, but we supposedly can only love 1 partner at a time? That's very arbitrary if you ask me. Documentaries and articles I've read suggest that monogamy only ever came about as a way to ensure that the children a woman had were guaranteed to be by her husband (although oftentimes the men slept around anyway) since there just wasn't any other way to definitively prove a child was yours, than by ensuring that you were the 1 man that she was sleeping with. Additionally, I find it kind've a toxic/immature attitude to act like you just couldn't take it if your partner ever saw anyone else. We're supposed to be able to manage all of our emotions, we're taught to do so from a young age and every authoritative group encourages this - Managing your fear, anger, sadness, but somehow no one thinks we can manage jealousy and it's just laughed at and agreed when people say "If my man so much as LOOKS at another woman..."

 

I don't believe in this "1 true love" mentality that our culture has been trying to pound into our heads for years and years. That's all you ever see in movies/books/tv, is this idea that you can find that 1 person who completes you in every way and everythings great. I believe the reality is that it's exceedingly rare to find that type of match (Not impossible). Most of the time, you can find good matches who meet lots of wants/needs you may have, but not all of them. You can't be everything for 1 person. Therefore, the idea of having multiple relationships to fill our different needs makes sense to me.

 

Note that by needs, I do not mean sexual needs. Most people equate polyamory with swinging, and they're different things. Swingers are monogamous in a romantic sense, they just enjoy branching out sexually under their own agreed upon rules. Polyamorous folks look for romantic relationship fulfillment from multiple people, and while that often will include sex (as most romantic relationships do), this is not always the case. What I mean by different needs is more about different relationship dynamics and different personalities, branching out to different habits/hobbies/enjoyments/passions.

 

Another aspect is the feeling of compersion (I may have misspelled that) - Compersion means that you feel joy when you hear about or see your partner happy with someone else. My own personal experience with that was with my most recent ex. She went on a date with a guy a few months ago, and when she came home, she told me all about it - They had dinner, lovely conversation, played games at his place, and she came home feeling very refreshed and happy. My reaction to this was also positive - I love it when my partner is happy, and there can be small twinges of jealous when it's not me causing the happiness, but that's overwhelmed by the fact that I'm simply glad my partner was enjoying herself. Her happiness is what mattered, and it was wonderful to share in that joy. The idea here is that polyamorous relationships are not in competition with one another, that love is limited - Rather, that they all add and compound happiness with one another. Love is unlimited in itself, the only limitations is how much time and energy you have to devote to multiple relationships.

 

I don't mean to imply that I think everyone SHOULD see multiple people. But I don't think it's wrong, either. The main key is that you do so with a great deal of honesty and respect for one another - There are rules, there is communication. It's not a free pass to go and have sex with everyone you want "just because we're poly". Care must be taken to ensure that everyone feels valued and cherished, not just that they're some disposable side piece or replaceable. I also see nothing wrong with casually dating multiple people even if you intend to be monogamous with the 1 you finally choose. At that stage, you're not committed to anyone. Just be safe if you're having sex, and be clear that nothing is committed to yet. Don't be disrespectful, but don't lead someone on either.

Edited by Zack T

I think having multiple relationships at once is much like those couples who have 19 kids. In theory, it all sounds good because there's plenty of love to go around. However, beneath the surface lurks the drama, neglect, and someone with hurt feelings. There's only so much time and attention to go around. Someone will always feel overwhelmed and someone will feel shortchanged. I don't even like to share a pair of trousers let alone a bird.

@Zack T That's a very good point about a woman only having one mate awhile ago so that paternity could definitely be determined. First time I've ever heard of this, it makes sense though.

 

Honesty is key. I'm okay with relationships where a man I'm seeing is also seeing another another woman, but there are certain parameters to it, the relationship has to include one of these factors: One, the other woman/women has to/have to know about me, just like I know about them. As soon as it becomes a "we have to hide it" type of thing, I'm not at all interested. We're all grown here.

Second, I don't want to necessarily know what a man is doing when he is not with me, what I mean by that is, I don't want him calling me from another woman's house, I don't want to see them out together if at all possible, I don't want to talk about some other woman. If I'm in a casual relationship with a man, and he is seeing other people, that's fine. But it can't be a surprise to the other person/people that he is seeing. He has to be upfront. If he is busy and can't see me on a particular day, I don't want him calling me on the phone telling me lies, just don't call at all. Or just text me something like, "Thinking about you. Hopefully I'll see you some time this week." I can put two and two together.

 

Now, all that being said, on my end of things, I don't particularly want to date more than one man. Too much work, even on a casual basis. Been there, done that... but I'm not 22 years old anymore. I'm fine with being with one man at a time, but I'm fine with him dating other women, so long as there are some ground rules.

 

As far as managing jealousy, I know for a fact that some people don't experience certain strong jealousies when it comes to things. I know because I'm like that. I believe that jealousy is a certain type of spirit, and some people have it in abundance, and some don't.

 

There's a scene in the movie Jerry McGuire where Jerry is breaking up with his girlfriend, and she is telling him that there's a sensitivity thing that some people have, but she just doesn't have it. Well, that's the way I feel about jealousy. I don't get jealous of other women like, "Oh, she's prettier than me." Or, "She's skinnier than me. I can't stand her!" No. Not at all. Have I been jealous? of course, but not just instantly because of the way someone looks, or because of what they have. In the past I have been jealous if a man I was dating starting dating someone else behind my back. But to be fair, the behind the back thing is a whole different animal than knowing right from the start that the person you are dating is dating other people.

 

You don't believe in one true love? I definitely do, but it's more like I believe in one true love at a time, rather than one true love. I know true love exists, I've felt it, and I've had it, so I know it's real. And you're right, it's rare.

 

I've learned a couple of new words from you, polyamorous and polyamory. Who knew? I think I've always looked to different people to fulfill different emotional needs that I have, but I didn't know there was a name for this. Admittedly I've never done any research on it either, I've just always looked at it as, "I'm me."

 

I agree with you, I'm not saying that everyone should see multiple people, because quite frankly not everyone can, the whole, "If my man so much as LOOKS at another woman..." you're talking about comes into play. People like that crack me up. First of all, I don't like that 'my man' stuff. Second of all, you can't control what a man does all of the time because newsflash darling, he's going to look. All men look.

 

In other thread here I was talking about how I heard some women talking about how they don't and won't do this, that, and the other for their husbands because as working women they should not be expected to take care of a grown man. These same women talk about how their men are on short leashes, and that they'll give him hell if he looks at another woman. It's like darling, are you kidding me? You can't control the dishes in your kitchen sink, yet you want to be in control of someone's eyes?! Come on now. Ugh. Don't get me started.

 

Back to the topic at hand, to be honest, if I ever find 'the one' again, maybe I wouldn't be so understanding either, but for now, I don't mind not being the only woman in a man's life, as a matter of fact I almost prefer it that way simply because I like my freedom so much. I don't like to have a man underfoot all the time. I need space, and I revel in peace and quiet.

Edited by HighlyLogical

@Zack T, would all of the adults raise your kids then and would you pitch in with the other kiddos in the group? I know the topic is meant to be about casual significant others, but since you were married, have kids, and seem open to sharing info, I'm hoping it's okay to ask. I hope I'm not stomping on your boundaries. I have nothing to compare "the lifestyle" to other than what I've seen on TLC and Lifetime. I'd probably be more open to it if I was bisexual and we were all together because I would dig the communal aspects.

 

@HighlyLogicalSure, all men look, but so do all women. I'm not much for love and loyalty myself and when I've had a casual fling, I never expected to know whether they were flinging with someone else or not. I think the internet and smartphone cameras have changed things for me though. I wouldn't be okay with sharing just because I think it would open me up to privacy violations. Even with communication, one gal's fling might be the guy's commitment and it's easy to find yourself as the dreaded "other woman" when you thought things were casual for all parties involved. There are whole websites dedicated to naming and shaming. I'm a private, guarded person.

Edited by ShadowEdge

I don't mean to say that I don't believe you can't love 1 person very deeply, and even find satisfaction from that - I just mean I don't believe that we have to be limited to that, or that person is absolutely perfect for you, even in the context of the right here and now. But still, it is entirely possible to fall very deeply in love with 1 person and not really care about being with anyone else.

 

That's a fair question @ShadowEdge and really that kind've comes down to personal preference.

 

So in my case, I wasn't in a poly relationship when I was married, my wife had no interest in that so we didn't do it. I've only been looking for poly relationships since striking out on my own about 3 1/2 years ago.

 

I'm in a couple different Poly-related facebook groups and there are some people in these groups that have blended families. So in their cases, the child has mom and dad - but they also have these other partners helping out in varying fashions. In some cases, the kids have called another lady partner "mom" because she's so involved, as well as calling mom "mom". In other cases, the partners are referred to either by their real name or as aunt/uncle. That's primarily for those who have fully blended families, meaning they either all live together, or they spend so much time together that they're comfortable with partners meeting the kids (especially if multiple partners have kids, then they can play together). If they aren't a blended family, then the partner may not even meet the kid, that's entirely up to the parent(s). In my case, I am single right now and anyone I see isn't going to meet my son for 2 or 3 months, maybe longer, just to give enough time for us to see if we're going to last awhile and if it's going to be serious or not. Poly people often handle it the same way. If they don't live with a partner, it's entirely possible that partner has no relationship with the kids.

 

In my case, I'm not looking for another parent for my son. So whoever I'm with, he's not going to be calling them mom or dad to start with - If he becomes so attached to them that he decides to do so on his own, I won't stop it. But initially, he can just call them by their name and we'll go from there. That's how I handled things with my most recent ex who I broke up with 2 weeks ago. I was with her for a year and a half, and he just called her Helen. That was acceptable to all of us.

 

I think having the extra support would be tremendous. Anyone who's had kids knows you need all the help you can get :D

Edited by Zack T

I think that open relationships and polyamoury are absolutely fine, as long as all people involved are fully informed. A friend of mine started seeing someone and assumed the relationship to be monogamous. A few weeks later she was devastated to find that he had been seeing someone else. He was a nice person, but had not realised that my friend was presuming monogamy. I think both of them should have been clear with each other about whether they saw this new relationship as monogamous or polyamourous - then nobody would have been hurt or upset.
My inclination is that he knew what he was doing. People who are actually serious about being polyamorous make sure to tell you that's what they want. This sounds more like a guy who was using it as an excuse to do whatever he wanted, and that's not what it's supposed to be at all.
Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle a polyamorous relationship. I'm way too much of a jealous freak, even when I just casually like someone. Really though, I don't ever just "casually" like someone. Of course, a reality series would be different...but it's not something I would ever sign up for.

@ShadowEdge Yes, I know women look too. As a matter of fact, I spend a better part of my time looking:eyebrows:. I was just talking about the women that I know who talk about how there's going to be hell to pay if their significant others even so much as look at someone else. I know someone who was having an affair with a married man, he was a known philanderer, but she felt like she had made him change his ways and told me that once he starting being with her he stopped all other outside affairs (other than being with his wife:rolleyes:) because she didn't stand for that. Little did she know, he was still messing around with other women. Bottom line, you can't control the person that you're in a relationship with. Influence them, yes - Control them? No.

 

As for me, I'm all for loyalty, I feel like it is one of my best attributes, and even if I'm with a man who is seeing other women, I'll still be loyal to him in that I'm not going to lie to him, or spin any wild tales just so I can go off and be with someone else. I'd make it clear up front that we don't owe each other any explanations. I've found that some men can't handle this type of 'freedom'. Even if you tell them that they don't need to explain themselves, they still come around saying stuff about how they meant to come and see you, but...

It's like, just save it. No need to explain. Really.

You're right that one person's fling might be another's commitment, that's why honesty with yourself is important as well. If a person knows that their personality type isn't suited for this type of thing, then they should forego it altogether.

 

I'm very private as well, but I suppose I'm private in a weird way. In a relationship I can be extremely open and honest, but I don't want a person feeling like they can have access to me at all times, if that makes sense. It's like, I can talk to you all night, but tomorrow when I want my space please don't think that-that lengthy conversation we had last night means that boundaries are no longer in place. I might not want to speak to the person or hear from them for another one or two months, maybe even longer, and I fully expect my privacy to be respected. To your point about smartphones and privacy, one never knows when or if they are being recorded, which takes the fun and authenticity out of so many things, but hey, that's the world we live in.

 

@Zack T In reading your response to @ShadowEdge I like that you don't let people meet your son for at least a couple of months from the start of a relationship. These days, you never know. One of my favorite shows on the planet is American Greed, and they have story after story after story of people getting swindled by people they 'knew', getting taken for a ride by their best friend, or by their kids' Godparent, or lifelong friend. Thank goodness my baby is no longer a baby, but if I had kids that were small, no one would get close to them. I wouldn't even leave my kids in the same room as another person for more than five minutes. Not happening. I think it's smart to protect your son, very smart.

 

Another thing I don't like is when people want to give themselves positions of authority over a child. It could be perfectly harmless, but it's still not happening with any child of mine. I went through all that, "Call me Auntie So and So," or, "Just call me Uncle Blah Blah." It's like, no thanks.

A couple of acquaintances of mine got into a disagreement and the friendship ended. They both speak Spanish, but only one of them speaks English. Both have kids/a kid. The one who speaks only Spanish told my other friend that she was going somewhere but needed an interpreter with her, and asked the friend if her daughter (about 13 or 14) could go with her so that she could speak English to whomever when they got to where they were going. (Did you get all that? lol) My one friend told her no. "I don't lend out my kids." They got into a fight, the friendship was over. My one friend was telling me that she misses the other friend (they used to hang out all the time), but she was like, "Oh well." She accepted the fact that the friendship was over and didn't revisit it.

 

As far as your son calling another woman mom, even if he gets attached and wants to do so, I would discourage that. But that's me, so please don't read me the riot act. I'm just stating my opinion.:whiteflag:

My inclination is that he knew what he was doing. People who are actually serious about being polyamorous make sure to tell you that's what they want. This sounds more like a guy who was using it as an excuse to do whatever he wanted, and that's not what it's supposed to be at all.

 

I think so. I think he should have been absolutely clear that he was polyamourous, and that this was not a "serious" relationship. It's unfortunate that my friend does have a tendency to almost assume that marriage is imminent even when she has only been seeing a man for a few weeks! I think that that is why couples have to be clear about what is going on from the start. However, when people don't know each other well, or they make assumptions, this can be difficult.

@AmyRichmond I agree with you that people have to be clear about what is going on from the start, but when people don't know each other well, then you don't really know what you're getting. I've learned that some people just cannot deal with an honest relationship... they have to lie. Even if you give them no reason to, even if you say, "Hey, no strings attached," they can't handle that. They've grown used to drama in relationships, it's like a drug to them and they must have it. It's almost like a relationship isn't fun unless they're doing something behind someone's back.

 

@AlexMack I totally understand where you're coming from about not liking anyone casually. When I was younger I used to like casually, but I'm more mature now and tend to not like to waste time on casual things. Being with someone that I'm not really into tends to bug me. That being said, I will keep it casual until I get to know if a person is worth my time, if that makes sense. I want to be able to be free and do what I want while I'm trying to feel out the relationship, so to speak. All that glitters isn't gold, and it takes time for me to see whether I have a truly valuable relationship or not. I don't have an overly jealous nature though, so that helps. I kind of don't care what a casual 'friend' is doing when he is not with me because I honestly believe that if someone is for me, then they will be with me in the long run, no matter what else they've got going on.

@HighlyLogical, yeah, I just wouldn't bother having a significant other if I wasn't into them beyond a casual level. You're better than me! I have an overly jealous nature so if I'm into someone and we're "talking" or whatever, then I'm not willing to share. Three cheers for being super insecure. :p It's sadly something I've come to accept about myself.

Edited by AlexMack

@HighlyLogical, yeah, I just wouldn't bother having a significant other if I wasn't into them beyond a casual level. You're better than me! I have an overly jealous nature so if I'm into someone and we're "talking" or whatever, then I'm not willing to share. Three cheers for being super insecure. :p It's sadly something I've come to accept about myself.

I totally understand you not wanting to be with someone if you weren't into them beyond a casual level, I feel like that too. However, I can keep the relationship casual, and no strings attached even if I'm full on in love with the person. Does that make sense what I'm trying to say here? My feelings for a person can be very deep rooted, but the relationship part of the whole thing is something that I feel I can compartmentalize. Don't get me wrong, if "he" and I have a discussion and decide that we're exclusive, and that's something that he wants and agrees to, then I'm going to take him at his word. If he isn't faithful then, then all bets are off, but from the beginning if we have both agreed to keep the relationship casual, then I can be okay with that.

 

I don't think you're being insecure if you don't want to share. It takes all types of people to make a world, and what is right for one is not necessarily right for another. If you don't want to share, then that's your right, and whoever you get with has to respect that, or else they won't have the privilege of being with you.

 

Trust me, I wasn't always so casual about this issue, but I think life has "tempered" me I guess you would call it, when it comes to men. The fact that I naturally don't have an overly jealous nature definitely helps. I feel like if a man is supposed to be mine, then he will be. Of course I have to put in the work that relationships require, and so does he. I also might have to... how shall we say, correct :violent:a few women along the way who get out of line and want to disrespect my relationship, so I definitely believe in fighting for him after he is mine, I just don't believe in stressing over him too much before that, if that makes sense. And even then, if I had to fight some woman because she was trying to disrespect my relationship, it would be for that reason, because she's trying to disrespect me, but I wouldn't be fighting to keep him.

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.


Guest
Reply to this topic...