Am I being unreasonable?

Snarky-Guru · December 17, 2019

A bloke I'm dating asked to borrow my phone as he'd forgotten to charge his. I unlocked it and handed it over, went to do something else in the flat for a few minutes, and when I returned I caught him reading my text messages. Am I being unreasonable to say that's not on? I was actually quite peeved at his snooping around. He didn't even make a phone call, which is why he asked for my phone in the first place!

Boomer · December 18, 2019

What did he say when you caught him — or did he act like he wasn't snooping? I don't think you're unreasonable for being peeved!

scatman · December 18, 2019

No, you're not being unreasonable. He lied about why he wanted to use it which means he knew it was wrong. If he knew it was wrong, so should you.

Ogmore · December 18, 2019

Did you pull him up on it, @Snarky-Guru? What did he say? The thing is, I could see this happening without the intent to snoop. I've borrowed a phone that had text notifications popping up, and with no intent to read them, it's impossible to miss. When you handed the phone over, were you texting beforehand? Could he have seen his name?

I would be furious if I caught someone attempting to unlock my phone or attempting to find my passwords to check email and other accounts. The situation you described wouldn't personally bother me, but you've ever right to be cross and to set your own boundaries.

Snarky-Guru · December 19, 2019

To be fair, I don't know if he truly intended to make the phone call and just got distracted by the text messages or whether it was a ploy all along. It's so strange to me.

@Ogmore, I was shocked to see him sitting there scrolling and scrolling through my messages and I snapped at him. He offered me his phone to look through. Said he didn't mind it. I find it baffling. You really wouldn't mind if someone was looking through your texts when they had asked to make a phone call? Keep in mind I've only been dating the bloke for a month or so.

Ogmore · December 23, 2019

You really wouldn't mind if someone was looking through your texts when they had asked to make a phone call? Keep in mind I've only been dating the bloke for a month or so.

No, but I'm from a family without boundaries and have mates that will grab a phone and change the contact names as a prank. My guess is that the bloke looked through your texts to see whether you truly fancied him. It was a massively immature thing to do. I'd tease a bird relentlessly in that case, but I wouldn't be upset exactly. I see your point of view though.

Zack T · December 27, 2019

It's hard to determine if he's playing games, or if the circumstances just played out naturally and he was being truthful about his intentions.

Keep an eye on it. If he's doing other things that seem off, make you question him like this, then cut him off. As others have said, it is possible he comes from a family where a lack of privacy is a normal thing, or a previous relationship where that was the norm. However, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to let someone go through your phone, even as you're probably not hiding anything. On the flip side, if all you're worried about is him seeing an embarrassing message, then that's not the worst thing.

I'm guessing if you've been dating him a month that things have gone pretty well up to this point. If this was earlier, like your first or second time meeting him, I'd have said just cut contact and be done with it. But with a bit of a time commitment having been made on him already, maybe just keep a mindful eye on stuff - see if he keeps snooping, if he starts fights with you, if he tries to isolate you from others. If he starts doing that, get out. Otherwise, he's probably just a bit weird (But aren't we all?)