Joke Of The Week/Month/Year

[Guest MrFill]

Greatest Joke in the History of Jokes:

 

Two old men sitting on a bench

Old Man #1: Nice out, isn't it?

Old Man #2: Yes - I think I'll take mine out

 

There :D

[Guest Da Pimpsta]

The for christmas joke

Man#1:so what are u gonna buy your wife for christmas?

Man#2:a pair of slippers and a dildo

Man#1:why are u gonna buy a pair of slippers and a dildo

Man#2:so if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f**k herself

[Guest Carlito C. Cool]

A few Jokes (Some ADULT CONTENT)

 

IF YOU LIKE THESE JOKES PLZ ADD TO MY REP IF YOU DON'T FEEL FREE TO HECKLE ME

 

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.

 

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce.

 

Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag,

but you're a real sport too." And drives off.

 

 

***************************************************************

 

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their

teenage daughters.

The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes.

 

I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

 

The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room

the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka.

 

I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

 

With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry

about.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of

condoms.

I was really shocked.

I didn't even know she had a willy."

***************************************************************

 

 

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his

Dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.

Worried about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find him.

 

The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"Your'e wasting your time." say's the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled? Well when you go

shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."

 

*************************************************

 

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while,he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately

falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

 

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

 

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

 

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

 

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.Now think about it seriously, Mister.

Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

 

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

 

One for the women in our lives, aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Guest Carlito C. Cool]

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do

first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got

on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the

ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would

like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight

guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her

correct weight, and John lost his dollar. The couple walked around the

carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she

responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her

home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

 

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim

responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[ViciousPrism 177]

Classics.

[Guest Clarkey]

I would tell you the margerine joke.... but you'd only spread it.

[Guest Carlito C. Cool]

Hookers and Oranges

 

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the

police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and

Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the girls line

up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her

granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not

willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother

that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just

lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some

for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was

going down the line asking for information from all of the hookers. When he

got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at

your age? How do you do it? "

 

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the

skin back and suck them dry."

 

The policeman fainted.

[Guest Zer0]

a few one liners

 

My girlfriend said i was nosey, well she never said it i read it in her diary

 

 

My dad taught me how to swim. He threw me into a river and waited, it was rather easy swimming but getting out of the sack that was the hard part!

 

 

I'm half american and half-british. My pasport is an eagle with a teabag in his mouth.

[Guest ahsatan]

The top ten things you should never say to a woman during a row.

 

10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"

9. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get p*****d off."

8. "You're just in a bad mood because your bum's getting bigger."

7. "Is it that time of the month already?"

6. "My mother's cooking was better than yours."

5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."

4. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."

3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of BEE-AHTCH Flakes this morning."

2. "You've gained ten pounds and you're not happy? You should be, I thought you'd gained at least a stone."

1. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."

[DC 536]

We should get a big road sign over our bed that says "MERGE".

 

Ah, the wisdom of Chandler Bing......classic.

 

 

 

 

The Seven Dwarves were in the bath. They all felt Happy.

So Happy got out. Then they all felt Grumpy.

 

 

How do you make a cat go "WOOF"?

Soak it in petrol and light a match.

 

 

 

 

 

Jerry is excited that he's been hired to play trumpet for a movie score and after the recording session he can't wait to hear the finished product. A little embaressed, the producer explains that the music is for a porn flick that will be released later in the month.

 

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing shades, goes to the theatre to see the film. He sits at the back next to an elderly couple who also appear to be in disguise.

 

The movie starts and it is the filthiest, most perverse porn film ever made. Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music."

 

The old woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, "that's ok Son, we're only here to see our dog"

[Guest Rock]

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant and Luke's having trouble with his chopsticks.Finally, Obi-Wan says,"Use the forks Luke"

 

 

 

Darth & Luke are fighting when darth says 'i know what you've got for christmas' to which luke says 'how?' Darth says 'because i felt your presence'

[Guest JC]

My God the standard has slipped..anyway ,just to continue the trend of crap jokes heres another...

 

What's the only thing better than winning the special olympics???!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ICCCEEEEEEE CRRRRRREEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!!!!!

[Guest MrFill]

How about my favorite non-PC joke

 

 

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Erm... Weeeeeeeeeeeee, let's go ride our bikes

 

 

 

I'll get my hat

[Guest PHIZZLE]

An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love with each other.

However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

 

The therapist listens to their story, turns to the husband, and makes the following suggestion.

 

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you as though he is fanning you both.

Make sure he is totally naked and your wife can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel.

 

That will help her fantasise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

 

The couple returns home to follow the therapist's advice.

They hire a handsome young man who strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love.

 

But it doesn't help, and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

 

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist.

 

"Okay", he says, again addressing the husband. "Let's try it reversed.

 

Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

 

Once again, they follow the advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel.

 

The hired hand works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm.

 

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly, "THAT'S how you wave a fu*k1ng towel, sonny!!!!"

[Guest Christof]

Man walks into a bar...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OUCH

 

*Hails for a cab*

[Guest Y2James]

Bob Geldof, Ozzy Osbourne and Micheal Jackson are on a ship and it hits an iceberg.

 

 

Gob Geldof: Save the children.

 

Ozzy Osbourne: F*ck the children.

 

Micheal Jackson: Have we got time.

[Guest Dutch]

> Way's to turn men down

> >

HE. " can I buy you a drink? "

SHE. " Actually I'd rather have the money "

 

HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!

SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!

 

HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?

SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

 

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must've been given your share!!!

 

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

 

HE: Your face must turn a few heads!

SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

 

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!

SHE: Okay, get out!!!

 

HE: I think I could make you very happy

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

 

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

 

HE: Can I have your name?

SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

 

HE: Shall we go and see a film?

SHE: I've already seen it!!!

 

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

 

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

 

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

 

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

 

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

 

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

 

Man: If I could see you n@ked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you n@ked, I'd probably die laughing.

 

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest

dreams.

[Guest Dutch]

Polish Divorce

 

> > > Subject: FW: A POLISH DIVORCE

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although

his

English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day

he

rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a

divorce

for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the

circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

-Have you any grounds?

-Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

-No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

-It made of concrete.

-I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real

grudge?

-No, we have carport, and not need one.

-I mean. What are your relations like?

-All my relations still in Poland.

-Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

-We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

-Does your wife beat you up?

-No, I always up before her.

-Is your wife black?

-No, she white.

-Why do you want this divorce?

-She going to kill me.

-What makes you think that?

-I got proof.

-What kind of proof?

-She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on

shelf

in

bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

[Ryan 188]

Eugene.

[Guest Trash]

http://www.costumesinc.com/Costumes/images/5984-std.jpg

 

http://www.costumesinc.com/Costumes/images/5732-1930709156.jpg

 

LMFAO!! :lol :lol :lol