Joke Of The Week/Month/Year

[Guest charlie MFkin parker]

http://www.costumesinc.com/Costumes/images/5984-std.jpg

 

http://www.costumesinc.com/Costumes/images/5732-1930709156.jpg

 

LMFAO!! :lol :lol :lol

lol quality!

[Guest Russ]

Screw the rest of the costume, just keep the headgear and look like The Phantom.

 

http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/g/ghwhowk2.jpg

[Guest MrFill]

But the Phantom is cool - and remember that Ben Afleck was the Bomb in Phamtoms, yo :D

[Guest Trash]

http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/stronghamster.jpg

 

LOL at the strong hamster!

[BRM 220]

http://premium1.uploadit.org/sharkboy//stop.1.gif

[wyndorf 389]

HA! The Big Bad Wolf has no penis!

[Guest Russ]

HA! The Big Bad Wolf has no penis!

 

Try saying that to his face.

 

http://www.nspccknockout.fsnet.co.uk/images/wolf1.gif

[Guest Dutch]

The difference between guts and balls

 

>>Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are

you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

 

>>Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling

of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on

the arse and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty.

[Guest Dutch]

blonde jokes - some adult content

 

BLONDE IN A BMW

 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

 

She says, "What's the story?"

 

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."

 

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

___________________________________________________________________

SPEEDING TICKET

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Yesterday you took my license away, and today you expect me to show it to you!"

___________________________________________________________________

EXPOSURE

 

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

 

She says, "Why officer?"

 

"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOSH, I left the baby on the bus again!"

 

___________________________________________________________________

KNITTING

 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

 

___________________________________________________________________

BLONDE ON THE SUN

 

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!! "

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not that stupid.

We're going at night!"

 

________________________________________________________________

IN A VACUUM

 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

 

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"

_________________________________________________________________

FINAL EXAM

 

The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and! No, for Tails.

 

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minute s she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

 

___________________________________________________________________

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

 

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

 

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

 

To which he Blonde replies, "HellOOOOOOO. They're watch dogs!"

[Guest Dutch]

Squirrel walks into a pub

 

-This squirrel walks into a pub, goes straight up to the

counter and asks

the barman for a pint of stout. The barman is taken aback "I'm

sorry we don't serve any animals in this establishment, never mind

squirrels." "Ah g'wan," says the squirrel, "I'll drink my pint quietly and

then go, OK?"

The Barman said, "I don't know..." The squirrel replied, "Ah

go on, I won't tell anyone and you'll hardly know I'm here."

The barman answered, "One pint?" Squirrel nods. Barman smiles

to himself and shakes his head as he pours the pint.

The squirrel slowly and quietly drinks his pint so that the

barman has forgotten completely about it

when the squirrel asks for another.

"Well, you were so quiet I'll give you one more, but that's

it," says the barman.

"You're a fine man, thanks, that's great," says the squirrel,

his eyes gleaming slightly.

A short while later the barman hears a little thump and

looking in the direction it came from he see a half-empty pint of stout.

He looks over the counter to see the squirrel staggering

towards the door.

The barman laughs to himself and goes back to work.

Suddenly there is a thump at the door and the squirrel comes

swaying back

in and starts walking around the bar.

"What do you want now?", asks the barman crossly.

"I'm lookin'," says the squirrel.

"Looking for what?" asks the barman.

"My keys," says the squirrel.

"Why are you looking for your keys?" asks the barman.

The squirrel looks up at the barman saying:

 

 

 

"Cos I'm locked out of my fuc*ing tree."

[Guest Dutch]

Mexicans

 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

 

 

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

 

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

 

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

 

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

 

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

 

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

 

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

 

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

 

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

 

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

 

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.... ......... Ees..... Ees..... Ees..... Ees, a Ham Bush

[Guest Dutch]

Male vs Female

 

MALE vs. FEMALE

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call

each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric

and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,

Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

 

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20,

even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything

smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the

girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2

item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

 

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,

razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number

of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able

to identify most of these items.

 

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after

that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

6. CATS

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,

men kick cats.

 

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never

worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A

successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man

marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

 

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will

dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

11. NATURAL

Men wake up looking pretty much like they did when they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about

dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret

fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people

living in the house.

 

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people

remembering the same thing.

 

AND FINALLY .....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted

to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,

jackasses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of

yours?"

 

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[Guest Trash]

I'm sure someone already posted that. Still funny though.

[Guest Jimmy Redman]

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about

dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret

fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people

living in the house.

 

I love that one :lol

[Guest Dutch]

more jokes

 

Redhead's Flowers

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

 

She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

 

The blonde looks at her quizzically and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"

 

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

 

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

 

_________________________________________________

Sunday Morning Sex

 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

 

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

 

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

 

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."

 

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[Guest MrFill]

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2

item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

My mother actually used this once - she purchased a £200 for £100 because it was 50% off, even though she would never use it - and with the £100 that she saved she went and bought something for herself

 

We had to laugh at her "logic" :P :D

[Guest ahsatan]

My mother actually used this once - she purchased a £200 for £100 because it was 50% off

 

I agree with your mother's logic, I too would buy £200 for £100! :lol

[Guest MrFill]

Oops, I meant a £200 product for £100 but was writing too quickly :P

[Guest ahsatan]

Adult content

 

Did you hear about the woman who came home to find the plumber having sex with her dog? She couldn't do anything about it though because he was corgi registered!

[Guest Dutch]

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the

rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled

hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to

him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from,

so he says, "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but

I thought you might be the father of one of my children !"

 

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I

shagged

on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped

me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"

>

>No she replies coldly,"I'm your sons' English Teacher"...