Joke Of The Week/Month/Year

[Guest Dutch]

** Adult Content **

 

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so

they decide that she'll become a hooker.

 

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,

Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a

hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked

around the corner."

She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up

and asks, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says "Sh*t All I've got is thirty".

She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says,

"What can he get for thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for

thirty

dollars is a hand job. He says "okay", she gets

in the car he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE

male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says,

I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,

 

 

 

"Harry,can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

[Guest Kakarot]

Recent figures have shown that hair salons across the country are experiencing huge losses. This is because the police are now doing brazilians for free.

[Guest Shampy]

***************(Censored by Mod)

 

its a small world but i would'nt want to paint it

Edited July 29, 2005 by DraVen

[Guest Popsi]

Mate that first 'joke' is not suitable for this place. Not funny in any way, shape or form

[Dead Crow 370]

I found it very funny *pleaseGoddon'tsendmetohell*, but I'm not a racist and neither is TWO, so consider it censored.

[Guest Popsi]

Cheers Draven, its not something i like to see on a place like this.

[Guest Shampy]

I found it very funny *pleaseGoddon'tsendmetohell*' date=' but I'm not a racist and neither is TWO, so consider it censored.[/quote']

 

i did'nt mean to offend anyone im not racist at all

[krisbaillie 4]

An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up a Scotland football shirt

and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I

would like this for my birthday".

His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head

and says, "Go talk to your mother".

So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and

finds his mother.

"Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like

this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head

and says, "Go talk to your father".

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like

this shirt for my birthday".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head

and says:

"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading

towards home.

The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned

something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been an Scotland supporter for an hour

and already I hate you English b*****ds"

[Guest PHIZZLE]

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she

yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count

to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very

good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey,

it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home

FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet

today, and All the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to

G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it

because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"

she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the

other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank

top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

[BRM 220]

http://www.junkstuff.dk/data/media/4/386.jpg

[Guest Dutch]

Men vs Women

 

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman

wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote

control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV

remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come

shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to

him legally."

 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand

how youcan

take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair

out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

 

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential

that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He

addressed the man, "Can you

name your wife's favourite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his

wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?

 

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He

answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.. She

directs him down the correct

aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton

balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused,

Sir, I

thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He

answers, " You

see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to

get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

so, I figure if

I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

 

 

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women

use

a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason

has to be

because we have to repeat everything to men.... The husband then

turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

> > > >

 

 

> > > > CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so

stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife

responded,

"Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be

attracted to me; God made me

stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 

 

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew

the

coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because

you

get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our

coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around

here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can

just

wait for my coffee." Wife replies,

"No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the

man

should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that,

show

 

me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and

showed him at the top of

several pages, that it indeed says..........."HEBREWS"

[Guest charlie MFkin parker]

Try saying that to his face.

 

http://www.nspccknockout.fsnet.co.uk/images/wolf1.gif

http://img317.imageshack.us/img317/9960/iseewhatyoudidthere2tv.jpg

[Guest JC]

Just before the Anti-racism crew run here. I'm not trying to be racist and I'm not racist. These were said by Chris Rock(who *MAJOR SHOCK* is black).

 

-'Yo Man! Your so black you was marked absent at Nightschool.'-

 

-'I stopped my car at the gas station. As I got out I seen a Ho standing at the side of the road with a sign '$1,000 and I'll do Anything'...I went over handed her the money and slapped her! 'BITCH PAINT MA HOUSE!'-

 

Those aren't great I admit,lol. But they're some of my favourites by Chris Rock from his earlier days.

[Guest ahsatan]

*some adult content*

 

A man was told by his doctor to lose 75 lbs, for the sake of his health. As he wondered how to do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed.

Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

 

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands

before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,

"If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing puffing, he finally catches her and is too tired to have his way with her. After they are rested and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The

same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. The fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

 

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a very long while to catch her, but when he does, he is cramping and wheezing. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found

he has lost another 20 lb as promised.

 

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this

good in years. The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

 

"If I catch you, you're mine."

[Guest Dutch]

Kids are quick

 

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

 

> >

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK: Because of the sign..

TEACHER: What sign?

FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

> > _________________________________

> >

> >

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

 

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

> > _______________________________________________

> >

> >

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

> > ______________________________________________

> >

> >

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we

didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

> > ______________________________________________

> >

> >

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

> >

> > _____________________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

> > __________________________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry

tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his

father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

> > __________________________________________________

> >

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

> > __________________________________________________

> >

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as

your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

> > __________________________________________________

> >

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when

people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

[Guest han89]

here are two jokes i know:

 

1) a woman leaves her mother and cat with her husband at their home as she goes on a work trip. after a week she calls him home to see how they are doing:

 

W: Hi honey, how's the cat?

 

M: How's the cat? isnt there any "how are you honey, waht have you been up to" some love to your dear husband.

 

W: of course not, now cut the crap and tell me how the cat is. i have no time for your bullshit talk. so how's my cat?

 

M: She's dead!

 

W: What? she's dead? my beloved little dear is dead? oh honey you ruined my trip...i was going to shop...i mean going to a meeting...but now i am too depressed to go! you are meen..you could have told me she was taking a walk on the balcony and give me the bad news when i come back.

 

M: that is ok.

 

W: now how is my mother?

 

M: Well. she's having a walk on the balcony.

 

that is number one!

 

2) An elephant says to a camel: look the pair of boobs on that camel's back

 

the camel responds: that is greeat and fitting coming out from a guy who has a dick stuck to his face.

 

good jokes hope you like them!

[Guest Dutch]

The Blonde finally wins

 

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He

immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says,

I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation

with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

 

> > The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and asks

>the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

> >

> >

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let

me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the

same stuff-----grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow

turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried

poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

> >

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest

idea."

 

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to

discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

[Guest PHIZZLE]

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jimmy Carr

 

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm

bears.

Chris Addison at the Pleasance

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our

family holidays in Customs.

Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

 

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting

herself.

Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

 

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was

never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me

to sleep at night.

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people

were given pointed sticks?

Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

 

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was

two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because

eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you

murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"

Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

 

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched

someone in the face.

Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the

obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl

out of Cork...

Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

 

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out

it was a bloody hoax.

Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner

and a loser at the same time.

Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

 

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The

hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the

circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

Steven Alan Green at C34

 

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

 

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got

one!"

Norman Lovett at The Stand

 

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

Chris Addison at the Pleasance

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very

good at it.

Arnold Brown at The Stand

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then

on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for

that.

Milton Jones at the Underbelly

[Guest Twig]

I've got a million Mitch Hedberg jokes, but they may not be that funny, he's all about the delivery. Here goes anyway:

 

"I bought a $7 pen, because I always loose pens, and I got tired of not caring."

 

"I went to a bar, and they had black lights. And everyone looks really cool in a black light, except for me. Because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out."

 

"I saw a prodauct on late night tv it said, you can water your hard to reach plants with this product. Who the f*** would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one f***in' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a b!+(#: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f***er! The last payment must be made in wompum!"

 

"At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9? I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

 

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

 

Just to name a few.

 

EDIT- to name a few more:

 

"Popsicles are for the summer time... yeah." :lol :worship

 

"I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

 

"I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential."

 

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* * *

"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said I hear music. As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too...I tried to taste it, but it did not work..."

 

"If you had a friend that was a tightrope walker, and you were waling down the sidewalk together, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptabe."

 

"I f***ed up man, I got a roommate. I'm 30, I'm way too old to have a roommate, I signed a one-year lease too. It's as though I wrote a really bad joke, but now I have to tell it for a year."

 

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty."

 

"It's dangerous to wave at people you don't know, cuz, what if they don't have a hand. They'll just think you're cocky. "Look what I got f***er! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick s*** up.""

 

*SIGH* It's so sad. Mitch passed on before his time.

Edited September 12, 2005 by Twig

[Guest Gladiator]

I will kill for a pound joke

 

A women discovers that her husband has been cheating on her.

So she thinks "I want to kill him"

Then while reading the paper she sees an advert "Arti I'll kill for a pound."

 

So she rings him up and says can you kill my husband and he says yes just send me a pound and a photo and where he will be.

 

So she sends the photo, the money and his location at the time which was Tesco supermarket store.

 

Arti goes up to him and chokes him to death at the checkout, the cashier tries to stop him and gets choked out as well.

 

Arti then leaves and a citizen tries to make a citizens arrest but gets choked to death as well.

 

What was the headline the next day?

.......................

 

...................

 

 

..................

 

 

.................

 

 

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Artichokes 3 for a pound at Tesco's